Little james becher'S adventure in wonderlanD
by Paul267
Summary: A humorus trip through Wonderland. Some action themes and ties to the games. PG13 for mild drug realated humor. Review but don't flame or I may cry.
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

'Lil james becher'S adventures in wonderlanD

'**Lil james becher'****S adventures in wonderlan****D******

Written by Paul Gersky

Based on "Alice and Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass" by Lewis Carroll and "American McGee's Alice."

Author's Notes: This was originally a story I did for my friends so let's forgive the fact that I'm in the story. As you'll see the story starts off humorous but it gets a little darker and action oriented in the middle. I'm interested in what you all think so if you'd like me to continue writing it post a review or e-mail me. Thanks.-Paul

This is a story. A story of a boy. A very fat boy. A morbidly obese boy. A morbidly obese, drug addicted boy. This is the story of a morbidly obese, drug addicted boy and his "trip" to a marvelous place, a place called Wonderland. 

**Chapter 1******

It was Friday. James Becher usually hated Fridays. Friday was the day of the week when the "cool" people went to the mall, went on dates, and did cool stuff. While Becher's mom reassured him that he was the coolest kid she knew he still never did anything. But today was an exception. Becher had actually been invited to his friend Nathan's house to hang out. Becher didn't actually like Nate too much but anything beat sitting at home. Now Becher was in Nate's basement sitting on the couch watching his friends play video games. He was content just watching. Everyone was here, his heterosexually challenged friend Steve, the lady-killer Nick, Nate, Paul G., Eric( Mendelson, the very short kid that was half Jewish, worked at Tubby's and enjoyed group poetry sessions.), some kid he didn't know named John, and Holly. Becher was a little uncomfortable with Holly here. He'd never actually talked to a girl that he wasn't related to but he felt he was doing quite well. Earlier Holly had initiated a conversation. It went something like this. 

"Hello James. How are you doing?"

"W.. wh.. GNUH!"

"Oh.. OK. That's good I guess. So Steve tells me you're into wrestling."

"Br.. boo.. mweh.. HUH!"

"OK. Um.. cool.. I guess.. Well talk to you later."

Yes Becher felt he had done quite well. He figured that if he kept going at this rate he'd match Nick's mad pimping skills in no time. Just then, Becher heard a loud crash. Nick had tossed his N64 controller at the TV.

"What a Golden Eye rip off," he said.

Becher could tell Nick was just mad that he'd lost to Paul. Nick couldn't handle losing. 

"How 'bout a game of pool. I'll show you all how a real man plays. Me and Holly versus Becher and Steve," Nick said. 

Now this wasn't exactly fair as both Nick and Holly were decent pool players, and while Steve and Becher were used to playing with sticks and balls, they just couldn't quite get the hang of pool. Go figure. But anyway no one dared argue with Nick. 

"Oh this is going to be a GREAT game," Nathan said in a sarcastic tone, "John wanna go play Armored Core 2?"

"Well I've never played it before so you'll have to give me about thirty seconds 'till I'm better then you," John said.

"Whatever," Nathan said. They both walked to Nathan's room and shut the door. 

"OK Nathan's gone. Let's get to work," Eric said. 

Both he and Paul grabbed backpacks and went towards Nathan's refrigerator and cabinets. They began filling their bags with pop and assorted food. This was their pay back for years of Nathan mooching their food. 

"Hey Becher you gonna stare at G all day or are you gonna play some pool?" Nick yelled.

"Uh.. what? Sorry," Becher said. 

He'd been watching Eric and Paul and didn't realize it was his turn. Nick and Holly weren't playing very defensive pool. They'd set Becher up with a perfect shot. He hit the cue ball and it slammed into a striped ball sending it into the corner pocket. 

"Fats you moron!" Steve yelled.

"Ha! Good job Becher. Didn't know you were playing for our team," Nick said. 

"You moron! We were solids! You weren't paying attention at all were you?" Steve yelled.

Holly just giggled.

Becher could take Nick's mocking. He could take Steve's yelling and idle threats. But the first girl he'd ever talked to laughing at him? Well that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Tears began to roll down Becher's face.

"Just leave me alone! All of you!" Becher screamed. 

He dropped the pool stick and ran up the stairs brushing tears away from his eyes. As he opened the basement door he heard footsteps coming up the stairs behind him. 

"No. I'm going home. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of apologizing to me!" Becher thought. He opened the door to Nate's breezeway and ran inside slamming the door behind him. He locked it hoping that would delay them a few seconds. 

Now no one will ever accuse Becher of being a particularly bright guy. Right now he had two choices. He wanted to get home. He could've easily ran out the door on his right, ran up the street, and been on his way to his house but instead he chose to take the door on the left, which lead to Nate's fenced in backyard. It was January, there was snow on the ground and Becher had left his shoes and coat inside.

"Darn it," he thought. 

He was cold but he wasn't going to go back inside the house. Then, something caught Becher's attention. He noticed a flickering of gold in the moonlight. He looked closer and he could make out the silhouette of a rabbit, wearing a vest, holding a gold pocket watch . 

"What the f…" Becher stared but didn't finish.

The rabbit dove into a hole and was gone in a second. 

"Becher!" somebody yelled.

He'd been to busy staring at the rabbit and they'd caught up with him. Well he wasn't about to let them apologize. He began to run toward where the rabbit had disappeared. Like I said early Becher wasn't very slim, he was rather fat. And most rabbit holes aren't exactly large, but none-the less when Becher ran over he fell in. Now this was quite a strange sight for everyone watching. One second Becher was standing there, the next he was gone. They all just stood their perplexed. 

Becher on the other hand, fell. He'd never liked roller coasters and now he was free falling down a large hole. He felt sick to his stomach. He hoped it would end soon. But it didn't. Becher just fell. Sooner or later the nausea passed and Becher was better able to get a look at his surroundings. All around him there were cupboards filled with food. Becher opened some as he fell grabbing food and taking it along with him. Sooner or later he had made himself a nice BLT. 

"This ain't so bad," Becher said as he finished the sandwich. 

Almost as those words left his mouth he hit the ground with a loud bang.


	2. Downthe Rabbit Hole...again..

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**Chapter 2******

****

Despite the noise the fall didn't hurt Becher at all. He rubbed his forehead. This all seemed vaguely familiar to him somehow but he couldn't quite remember why. He noticed the rabbit running down a long hall but at this point he didn't care anymore. He'd managed to escape from his pursuers and discover an entirely new place. This would be great. Maybe he'd live here. As long as they had plenty of food and drugs Becher would be set. Maybe he'd even meet a girl. Becher began to explore. 

***

Meanwhile back at Nathan's house Nick, Steve, Paul, Eric, and Holly were trying to figure out what happened to Becher.

"It's all my fault. I shouldn't have yelled at him," Steve said sobbing. 

"Don't worry Steve. It's not your fault," Holly said trying to console him.

He began crying harder.

"Uh maybe someone should go get Nate. This is his house," Paul said.

"Good thinkin'. Go get him Stretch," Nick said.

Paul walked back to the house and went inside. 

"So Nick where do you think he went?" Eric asked Nick.

"I've already figured it out. He fell down that rabbit hole over there. It's an Alice in Wonderland type thing," Nick said.

"Well if you figured it out why didn't you say anything?" Eric asked.

"Think about it. Its freezing cold outside and Holly's not wearing a jacket," Nick said.

Eric thought about it for a minute then he looked at Nick grinning. 

"SCORE!" they both yelled high fiving each other. 

"This place is great!" Becher said out loud. 

He truly was having a good time. After a while of roaming around he had managed to find his way to a garden of some sort with mushrooms as tall as him. He'd never tried 'shrooms before but he figured now was as good a time as any to start. He tore a chunk off the side of one and bit into it. 

"Whoa," he thought, "I must be trippin'. It feels like I'm shrinking."

But little did Becher know that these mushrooms weren't any type of narcotic and that he actually was shrinking.

"And who are you?" someone asked.

Becher turned around and looked up. Sitting on top of a mushroom was a large caterpillar smoking a hookah. 

"Dude! This place is cool!" Becher yelled.

He took another bite of a mushroom, which returned him to his normal size. 

He climbed on top of the caterpillars mushroom and yelled "Get outta here ya stupid bug!"

With that he kicked it as hard as he could in the side and sent it flying through the air. He sat down on the mushroom and popped the end of the hookah in his mouth.

"Yeah, coming here was sure a great idea," Becher thought. 

He closed his eyes and lay down. He sure would love living here. 

Nathan, Paul, Eric, Nick, Steve, Holly, and John were now sitting in Nate's basement discussing what had happened.

"G, tell me again how this isn't a complete rip off of my story," Nick said.

"John's in this. Therefore it's completely original," Paul replied.

"Fair enough. But anyway, what are we gonna do about Becher?" Nick asked.

"We've got to go down there and get him! He is probably scared to death!" Steve yelled. 

"Steve keep your voice down. I don't want my mom to hear us," Nathan said.

"Don't tell Steve what to do!" Holly yelled.

"Whoa. Relax. We're all men here. But I do agree with Steve. We've got to go down the rabbit hole and get Becher. It's our only choice," Nick said.

"Nick's right. Who knows what kind of sick things Becher's exposing the innocent people of Wonderland too. We've go to go down there for their sake if or no other reason," Eric said.

"So then it's agreed. We go down the hole?" Paul asked.

"It's our only choice G. But ya know Wonderland's a big place. We should split into two groups so we can cover more ground," said Nick.

"Good thinking. I get to go with Steve," Holly said.

"Fine then. Steve and Holly won't last long in a fight so I'll go with them. Eric and Paul have bags off food packed already so we get Eric," Nick said.

"OK then. Let's go," John said with a hint of fear in his voice. 

Truth be told they were all a little scared. They'd all seen Becher fall down a hole but Wonderland was just a guess. I mean how many people past the age of three actually believe in Wonderland anyway? It could be something much worse and no one was really anxious to throw their lives away for Becher. But still there was also the sense of adventure no one could resist. So in the end they all jumped down the rabbit hole.


	3. ATTACK! and a conceited writer saves the...

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**Chapter 3******

After everyone had landed and composed themselves they agreed that it would be best if they stuck together for a little while longer in case Becher was somewhere close by. Nick, being the only one would read the book offered to lead and no one argued. 

"What if this is some twisted Wonderland and we all die?" Nathan asked.

Everyone ignored him. Now that they were actually in Wonderland they were all more scared then before, even Nick. He led them down a long hallway, which had a very low ceiling. Everyone but Eric had to duck to avoid hitting their heads on the lamps that lined the ceiling. There were multiple doors on each side of the hallway. They tried opening a few but Nick assured them that they would all be locked. Eventually they ran into a table. On it, was a bottle that read "DRINK ME", a small key and a large key that was shaped like a heart.

"What are these for, Nick?" Eric asked.

"Well the small keys for an area down the hall, the potion will shrink you so you can get into the room and as for the other key, well it wasn't in the book.," Nick said.

John picked up the heart shaped key.

"You think it's for another room down the hall?" John asked.

"No harm in checking," said Nick.

So John went up and down the hall. Sure enough there was a door with a heart shaped lock. The key fit and when John turned it there was a click and it slowly opened. Beyond the door all they could see were some trees, a few hills and a stream.

"Well we don't know if the key was there when Becher passed through so I guess this is worth checking out," Paul said.

"You guys wanna check it out or should we?" Steve asked.

"Well this wasn't in the book was it?" Nate asked.

"Nope. Nothing like this at all," Nick said.

"Well then," Nathan said, "we should check it out. You guys can take the small key and check out the garden through the little curtain," Nathan said.

"OK then. Good luck," Eric said. 

With that Paul, John, and Nate stepped through the door. As it did it slammed shut behind them. No one paid much attention to Nate's last comment. Nor did they realize that Nick had never mentioned the small key opened a door behind a curtain, which led to a garden…..

Eric, Holly, and Steve all followed Nick back to the table. Nick picked the small key up and put it in his pocket. He noticed that the heart shaped key was now sitting back on the table.

"OK, now we each drink a little bit of this potion and it should shrink us. It will happen quickly. We'll shrink down to about a foot. Everyone understand?" Nick asked. 

They all mumbled in agreement.

"OK here goes," Nick said.

He took a sip from the bottle and quickly passed it on to Steve. Sure enough Nick began to shrink. Steve resisted the urge to kick Nick across the room, took a sip, and passed it to Holly. She did the same passing the bottle to Eric. Eric grasped the bottle and tears began to well up in his eyes. This was the first time in his life he'd ever been the tallest in a room and needless to say it was a very emotional situation. Slowly he drank from the last bit of liquid from the bottle and shrunk down to everyone else's size. 

"Took you long enough," Steve mumbled. 

"OK now that we're all down here let's go over a few things," Nick began, "If Nathan's "evil Wonderland" theory is right then we should come back here."

He walked passed Eric and whispered "Watch this."

He went under the table and picked up a piece of caked which clearly read "EAT ME." 

"If we get in trouble you eat this and you'll grow," Nick explained, "Holly, care to demonstrate?"

"Sure," Holly said.

Nick took the cake and walked towards her. When he got close he pretended to trip, the cake left his hands and landed all over the top of Holly's shirt.

"Ack!" Holly yelped.

Nick stood there staring at Holly's chest expecting it to grow. Holly wiped some of the frosting off and looked up at Nick.

"What are you staring at?! Pervert!" Holly yelled.

She slapped him across the face.

"Ouch! Was that really necessary? I didn't mean too…" Nick said trying to sound innocent. 

"Well you don't have to walk around with frosting all over your shirt!" Holly yelled hysterically. 

It was obvious she was mad about something else so Nick tried to lighten the mood.

"Well if you don't want frosting on your shirt you can always take it off," Nick said.

"Ughhh," Holly groaned, "Steve stop him from talking to me like that!"

"Uh…stop it Nick ..or ..I'll.. um…do something…" Steve said trailing off. 

Eric made a noise, which sounded like the cracking of a whip. 

"Hey what was that for?! I'm not whipped!" Steve yelled "Holly tell them I'm not whipped!"

"Don't worry Stevie. You don't have to pay any attention to them," Holly said.

Eric and Nick just laughed. Steve stuck his hands in his pockets and just mumbled. 

"Well I guess we should get going then," Eric suggested.

Nick took the key out of his pocket and led them down the hall. He pulled back the curtain and stuck they key in the lock. He turned, it, heard a click, then pushed the door open. 

Inside was a beautiful garden. There were flowers, trees, and fountains. Even Nick admitted he liked the place.

"Well I want to warn you guys, this area belongs to the Queen of Hearts. She's a little too into the whole decapitation thing so be careful," Nick said.

This didn't do much to comfort anybody but by now everyone was a little worried about Becher. What if the queen had caught him and cut his head off? Wait, actually, come to think of it everyone had completely forgotten about Becher. No one really cared. They were more interested in saving themselves then him. Well actually they weren't THAT worried. Holly was thinking about Steve. Steve was thinking about being whipped. Nick was contemplating if he should ask Holly if he could help "clean" her shirt, and Eric was thinking how cool it would've been to squash Nick, Steve, and Holly, and lived the rest of his life as the tallest person in the room. In fact they were all so wrapped up in thought that none of them noticed the three, armed card guards coming their way…

Becher was still lying on a mushroom smoking a hookah. By now the caterpillar had returned with another hookah and was lying next to Becher smoking in silence.

"Sorry I kicked you," Becher said.

"Ah you know. Things like that happen when you're a drug addict. No big deal," said the caterpillar.

"Friends?" asked Becher.

"Friends," replied the caterpillar. 

"Let's never fight again man," Becher said with tears in his eyes.

He and the caterpillar embraced. They held the embrace for a while then they went back to staring at the sky, puffing away on their hookahs.

As soon as Paul, Nate, and John stepped through the door it slammed shut. The landscape went from bright and sunny to dark and gloomy in the blink of an eye. The entire place looked dead. Trees began to appear all around them. The sun disappeared and the sky opened up and it began to rain. More and more trees appeared around them and soon they were in the center of a dense forest nowhere near the door where they had answered. This all happened in about half a minute.

"What just happened?" John asked.

"I have no idea," Paul said apparently dumbfounded. 

Nathan remained silent.

"Come on. We should get going," John said.

"Going where? We have no idea where we are or where to began looking. This whole thing was a mistake," Paul said rather gloomily.

"Gersky, relax," Nathan said.

"Shut up Nate. Why should I relax? Why'd we split up in the first place? What if they find Becher? Then what? They have to come look for us? What, are we all morons?" Paul yelled.

"Gee, so nice of you to speak up now," John said sarcastically.

"Let's stop bickering and get going. I don't think it really matters which direction we go in but I'll pick one anyway. West OK with everyone?" Nate asked. 

Paul and John both murmured a yes. Nate was uncharacteristically taking initiative.He began to lead they way through the dense forest. The rain only seemed to pour harder and the ground began turning into mud. Soon, everyone was soaked and morale began to fall almost as fast as the rain. After about fifteen minutes they'd stopped talking to each other all together, they just blindly followed Nate. This is what caused John to walk right into Nate.

"Hey? What'd you stop for!?" John yelled irately.

"Look!" Nathan yelled pointing ahead of him.

Directly in front of them was a clearing in the forest. There was a fire burning brightly in the middle. Surrounding the fire was three logs set up like benches. The oddest thing was that there was absolutely no rain falling in the forest, like there was a giant, invisible umbrella overhead. But then again they were in Wonderland so something like this didn't seem very unusual. They were all so wet, cold, angry, and tired, that the thought that this may be a trap never crossed one of their minds. 

They each sat down on a log and immediately began warming themselves by the fire. Paul opened his back pack (which was surprisingly dry) and took out a few cans of pop. He passed one to John and Nate. For the next twenty minutes they sat silently basking in the warmth of the fire. Suddenly, John broke the silence. 

"Did you see that?" he yelled.

"No. What was it?" Nate asked.

"Two bright yellow eyes. Something's watching us," he said hoarsely.

"You're tired. You're just seeing things," Paul said.

And that's when the attack came. They heard branches and a large gray creature dove forward from the forest. If they'd had to guess they would have called it a werewolf, and they would've been right indeed. It stood upright like a man and was roughly seven feet tall. Its head was that of a wolf. Like John had said they eyes glew bright yellow. Its head was like that of a wolf and it had long sharp fangs. The body was covered in gray fur and there were sharp claws on both its hands and feet. It stared at them and snarled. They all remained sitting, panic stricken. 

"On the count of three, run," Nathan began, "1...2..."

But before he reached three the werewolf lunged through the air tackling Nate. It knocked Nathan off the log and sent his head crashing into the ground. Paul heard the sound of flesh tearing and saw blood. He shrieked in pure terror.

"Do something!" John yelled, leaping to his feet. 

Now John may have been brave but he didn't exactly win many points in the intelligence category. He did the first thing that came to mind, and leapt at the wolf just as it had done to Nathan. It stopped hacking away at Nate for a moment, caught John by the neck in midair, and tossed him like a rag doll, twenty feet through the air. With a loud thud, John crashed into a tree. Paul was sure that that had been enough to knock John out(and he was right). 

"Great. Now it's up to me," he thought.

Fortunately for him the werewolf had stopped hacking away at Nate for the time being so he had time to think. The first thing that came to mind was that he should run. It was only interested in Nathan and he might actually have been able to escape. Plus, it had just manhandled John who was much stronger then Paul. But he couldn't leave his friends to die like that even if it got him killed himself. At least it wouldn't be a coward's death. He looked around on the ground for something to use as a weapon. He noticed a large rock and a broken branch. He picked them both up. His hands were shaking and he had to stop himself from running more then once but he heaved the rock with all his might at the back of the wolf's head. It connected with surprising force. The werewolf growled in pain and turned his head around to see where this attack had come from. His eyes were fixed on Paul. They looked like bright flames and they sent chills down his pine. It turned around completely and snarled at Paul. Paul knew the attack was coming. He'd made up his mind that he didn't care about Nate and that he should run. But he couldn't. He was frozen. The wolf left the ground and tackled Paul just as it had done Nathan. Paul didn't even have time to raise the branch in defense. The wolf hit him with so much force that he thought he'd broken a rib. Paul tried to force himself up but the wolf held him down with one arm. Its other arm came crashing down into his side. He felt the claws dig into his side and the warm blood that began to flow from his skin. Almost like a reflex Paul's arm flew through the air towards the werewolf's face. Luckily, he was still holding onto the branch. It slammed into the wolf's jaw with so much force that the branch snapped in half. The wolf howled in pain and brought his hand down against Paul's forehead. His claws sliced Paul's cheek.The pain was too much for Paul. He began to lose consciousness.

"At least I won't feel it when he tears my lungs out," Paul thought.

But Paul didn't feel anything. He forced his eyes open and the wolf was no longer on top of him. In fact the last thing he saw before he blacked out was the wolf retreating into the forest with Nathan's limp body slung over his 


	4. Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!

Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"All I'm saying is that nobody really kills sock puppets," Nick said.

"And all I'm saying is that it's not someone who kills sock puppets, it's a killer sock puppet," Steve retorted.

"Well I think you're wrong," Nick said.

"It's my screen name! How can I be wrong?!" Steve yelled.

Nick just ignored him. 

"HALT! This is property of HER HIGHNESS the Queen of Hearts!" someone yelled behind them. 

They spun around to see who was speaking. Standing directly in front of them were three card guards holding pikes. 

"STATE YOUR BUISNES HERE OR PREPARE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!" one yelled.

Nick immediately stepped in front of Holly. He figured he could outsmart these guys but he wanted to be there to protect her if things turned violent.

"Um..I think you know why we are here," Nick said.

This seemed to confuse the guards. They thought about this for a minute.

"Then you must be the lawyers the queen sent for?" one guard asked. 

"Of course we are! I'm the prosecutor and this is the defense attorney," Nick said pointing to Steve.

"Wha..I'm not..I can't...."Steve started.

"It's okay Stevie," Holly said squeezing his shoulder, "You'll be a great defense attorney."

Nick didn't get it. Sure, he was constantly hitting on Holly, but then he goes and does something noble like protecting her from death, and she was still hung up on Steve, who obviously wanted nothing to do with her. No matter how much he said he did, Nick didn't understand girls. 

"MOVE ALONG NOW! WE MUSTN'T KEEP THE QUEEN WAITING!" the 4 of hearts yelled.

And so they hurried along. 

"What's this trial about anyway?" Eric asked the 5 of hearts.

"The White Rabbit was picked up the other day for attempting to buy a prostitute," the Four answered.

"Who'd the rabbit attempt to buy anyway?" Nick asked.

"Her," the four of hearts said pointing to something up ahead.

"Whoa. She's a stone cold fox!" Nick exclaimed.

Indeed he was right. The four of hearts was pointing to a stone statue of a fox. 

"You can't be serious!" Holly said, rather shocked.

"Of course we are serious. Why would we lie to you?" asked the six of hearts.

"You're all mad!" Holly yelled.

Everyone just ignored her. After a little more walking they reached the area, which would serve as the courtroom. The Queen and King of Hearts sat at the front of the court room. They would serve as a judge. The jury was made up of birds, ducks, a Billy goat, and a cat. They sat in a bench off to the side. The guards lead Eric and Holly to their seats and then sat down themselves. The courtroom was quite packed. This was in fact the social event of the season. Everyone who was anyone was here. But of course Nick and Steve didn't realize this. If they had well, Nick wouldn't have cared and Steve would've probably wet himself. They both approached their desks and sat down in the chairs that had been set up for them. 

A hedgehog in the corner spoke, "Wonderland vs. The White Rabbit, the honorable Judge, her majesty, the magnificent Queen of Hearts presiding."

"The prosecution may commence with their opening statements," the queen said.

Nick stood up, turned around, and faced the crowd, and began to speak. 

"Ladies, gentlemen, ducks, goats, Her Majesty, I intend to prove that the White Rabbit is guilty. Because we all know rabbits suck....and stuff. They are filthy disgusting WHORES!" Nick yelled. 

The crowd erupted with applause and cheering.

"In short WONDERLAND RULES!" Nick yelled pumping his arms up and down.

The applause got even louder.

"Poor Steve. He's screwed," Holly whispered to Eric.

"Well you have to admit Nick is pretty convincing," Eric said clapping his hands together furiously.

The Queen appeared rather pleased. "The defense may proceed with its opening statement," she said.

Steve stood up. He was sweating heavily. 

"Um you see...my client is innocent because...um...well...yeah," Steve said.

The boos were deafening. The crowd even began to throw fruit at Steve. Eric pegged him in the head with a cantaloupe.

"Eric!" Holly yelled scolding him.

"What? Steve sucks!" Eric yelled.

"Order! Order!" The Queen yelled. 

The courtroom immediately quieted down. 

"The prosecution may now examine the witness," the queen said. 

Nick stood up and received much applause. He walked over to the White Rabbit who was sitting in a steel cage. 

"Rabbit, did you or did you not attempt to pay a women for sexual favors?" Nick asked.

"Yes, yes I did," the rabbit said.

"Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids," Nick said.

The applause continued for at least ten minutes.

When it died Nick said, "The prosecution rests your honor."

The Queen began whispering something to the King. 

"After further examination the King and I have decided that it is not necessary for the defense to proceed. Has the jury reached a verdict?" the Queen asked.

"Yes your excellency. We the jury find the White Rabbit guilty of first degree murder," said a rather gruff billy goat.

The crowd roared with approval.

"First degree murder? I thought the charge was prostitution!" Holly yelled.

"Holly you are SO crazy," Eric said. 

"Very well then. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" the Queen yelled.

Cheers arose from the crowd. 

"I've got to go console Stevie," Holly said, "He's probably devastated."

"I should go congratulate Nick," Eric thought.

So they both left their seats and made their way to the front.

When Nick saw Holly he said, "How'd you like that Holly? I was great wasn't I?" 

"Nick you jerk!" she said, "You made poor Steve look like a moron!"

"Is there no pleasing women?" Nick thought.

None of them noticed that the Queen had left the bench and was standing behind them.

"Excuse me!" she bellowed.

They turned around to face her and were rather shocked that she was addressing them. 

"You both did well. This truly was a landmark event in Wonderland history. We are throwing a banquet to celebrate and only nobles are invited. Would you do the kingdom the honor of attending?" The Queen asked.

"How could we turn down someone as beautiful as you?" Nick asked rather charmingly.

The Queen blushed. "The Banquet is in three hours. Your friends may attend as well. My guards will show you to your living quarters. You will wait until you are summoned," she said.

"Thank you for this magnificent opportunity, your loveliness, uh...I mean Highness," Nick said.

Then the Queen winked at him. At least some women understood him. The Six of Hearts appeared and they followed him to their rooms. 


	5. Mock Turtle in da House! (and a visit to...

Chapter 5 P.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } LI.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.Section1 { page: Section1 } 

**Chapter 5**

Now I know what you're thinking. You're like what happened to Becher? I thought the story was about him! Well, to tell you the truth a story about Becher wouldn't be all that interesting now would it? Wouldn't you rather read about Nick's pathetic attempts to hit on Holly? Well too bad! You'll just have to wait. Now it's Becher's turn to do something. 

It was still bright and sunny out and Becher and the caterpillar were sitting on a mushroom merrily puffing away on their hookahs. Becher figured that this was some really potent stuff because he could swear that coming towards him was some weird turtle-cow hybrid. 

"Mock turtle!" the caterpillar yelled, "What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"Yo, yo, yo! C-Pilla! How's it hangin' my bruddah?" the mock turtle yelled.

Now Becher wasn't entirely sure mock turtles didn't exist but he was sure that they didn't speak Ebonics. This was one weird trip he was on.

"Things are all right over here," the caterpillar answered, "this is my new friend James Becher."

" 'Sup Gangsta?" the mock turtle asked.

"Just keepin' it real homie," Becher replied in his best ghetto accent. (Turns out it wasn't a very good ghetto accent, it was actually German but does Becher really know any better?) 

"We gotta chat. Sidebar," the turtle said to the caterpillar. 

The caterpillar slid off the mushroom and followed the turtle so that they were far enough away that Becher couldn't hear.

"What's wit' da loser?" the turtle asked.

"Relax man. Becher's cool. Now what's wrong? I know you wouldn't risk coming over here if there wasn't a problem," the caterpillar said.

"It's the Queen of Spades. She's...she's done it...." the turtle said no longer speaking in Ebonics.

The caterpillar swore under his breath. "How many have crossed over?" he asked.

"As of right now only 30 of her guards. But they are sure 'causing havoc. One hawk was killed and we've got several injured lizards," the turtle replied.

"Then we better get going. Has anyone reported this to the Queen of Hearts yet?" the caterpillar asked.

"No. She's been to busy with the rabbits trial for any of this. We'll have to report this to her if the situation gets any worse," the turtle said.

"Well then let's hurry," said the caterpillar.

"You gonna bring the loser?" the turtle asked.

"Yeah. You never know. He may be useful," the caterpillar replied.

"OK then. I'll go ahead. You bring him and follow behind. And hurry," said the mock turtle.

With that the mock turtle headed north through the mushroom forest. The caterpillar slowly made his way back to Becher.

"So what's up?" Becher asked.

"We got some business to attend to. You're welcome to come along if you like," answered the caterpillar.

"Why not?" Becher said.

By business Becher figured that the caterpillar was off to buy some drugs and the turtle was his dealer. He figured it would be fun. Little did he know what he had actually gotten himself into....

When John woke up he figured he'd died and gone to heaven. The face of the girl above him was so beautiful it could only be an angel. Then he tried to sit up. The throbbing pain in the back of his head was so immense that he realized he was very much alive. 

"Ughhh...." he moaned.

"Well I'm glad you're finally awake. Took you long enough. Your friend woke up almost an hour ago and his injuries were far worse then yours," she said.

John just stared at her. She was stunning.She had long, dirty blonde hair. It came down to about the middle of her back. Her eyes were bright blue and absolutely beautiful. He had never seen anyone like her before. She was around his height, 5, 10", and his weight, 120 pounds. They would be like a match made in...

".....heaven," he finished aloud.

She laughed. "No. This isn't heaven and I am certainly no angel," she said.

He'd beg to differ. He forced himself to sit up.

"Wha..what happened?" John asked groggily, "Paul? Nate?"

Her face suddenly turned grave. "Paul is fine. He's n the next room resting. I treated his wounds. He talked to me for a while and I think he'll pull through. He's quite lucky that none of his wounds were fatal. As for, Nate did you say?" she asked.

"He's gone," a deep voice said.

A short, plump, man entered the room. His face was scared and dark. He had a bright blonde beard. He wore forest colors like green and brown. If John had seen his picture in a book he would have called him a dwarf. 

"What?" John asked, "he's...he's dead?"

"We don't know for sure..."the girl said.

"We haven't seen the body. There was a trail of blood leading back to the wolf's den. It would have been impossible for a child to survive an attack like that especially one in his condition," the man said.

"No...it's not true," John said fighting back tears, "he's not dead."

"Ha. Think what you want. I'll take you to the den if you want, but it's your funeral," said the dwarf.

"Fine. Fine. You'll see," John said. 

He could not accept the fact that his friend could be dead. The girl looked worried. The last thing he wanted to do was worry her....

"Samuel, I don't know. If it just made a kill you know it might do anything. He's already hurt, taking him out there. It's far too dangerous!" she yelled.

"I welcome him into my house and he calls me a liar? No, Theresa, I will take him out to the den and we will see who the liar is. In fact let's bring the other one too! It will save me a trip," Samuel said.

This was too much for Theresa. "Samuel I will not allow it! He has a broken rib! It took me an hour to finally stop all the bleeding! I forbid you to take him out to the woods!"

"Do not talk down to me women. Have you forgotten who raised you? Have you forgotten who saved you from that very werewolf when you were a mere child?" Samuel yelled rather loudly.

Theresa looked hurt. John wanted to lift himself off the bed and hit Samuel in the face, but he knew it would be a mistake. He couldn't help siding with Samuel.

"Uh, excuse me," he started, "but Sam's right. Paul's just like me. He'll insist to go. He need's proof. Neither of us will accept the fact that our friend is dead until we see it.

This seemed to bother Theresa even more. Her face turned red and she stormed out of the room mumbling under her breath.

"We leave in two hours. Get ready and visit me out back. I'm not taking you to the den if you're not properly armed," Sam said. 

With that he left the room.


	6. Becher and the Trout Mobile

Chapter 6 P.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } LI.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } P.MsoTitle { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; pont-WEIGHT: bold; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center; TEXT-INDENT: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; punctuation-wrap: simple; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } LI.MsoTitle { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; pont-WEIGHT: bold; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center; TEXT-INDENT: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; punctuation-wrap: simple; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.MsoTitle { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; pont-WEIGHT: bold; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center; TEXT-INDENT: 0.5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; punctuation-wrap: simple; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.Section1 { page: Section1 } 

Chapter 6

Becher was really jealous of Nick. Nick got to do cool stuff. Becher thought he was supposed to be the main character. Why'd Nick get to do everything? Why was Becher so lame? The story was about him wasn't it? The whole thing seemed like a big ego boost for Nick, and Nick really didn't need a bigger ego. He already thought he was the greatest person alive. Nick was probably off making out with his super model friends and impressing Holly with his vast vocabulary and Star Wars Trivia. Nick just knew how to treat the ladies and Becher was clueless. 

Yes, I think it was safe to say Becher was a wee bit jealous of Nick.

"Hey Caterpillar, ever had a girlfriend?" Becher asked.

"Sure plenty of 'em. But you know a guy like me doesn't have time for the ladies. You know places to go, pot to smoke, you know how it is," the Caterpillar replied.

"You've never even talked to a girl have you?" Becher asked.

"Nope, you?" said the Caterpillar.

"Well yeah. There was this one girl in my life. Her name was Holly. We really hit it off but then my friend Nick stole her away from me," Becher explained.

You see kids Becher didn't quite remember the way things had happened. Let's replay the incident.

"Hello James. How are you doing?"

"W.. wh.. GNUH!"

"Oh.. OK. That's good I guess. So Steve tells me you're into wrestling."

"Br.. boo.. mweh.. HUH!"

"OK. Um.. cool.. I guess.. Well talk to you later."

Not quite what I'd call "hitting it off", eh? Becher also didn't realize that the very site of Nick disgusted Holly. But I guess that's what happens to you when you spend all day sitting in the sun, smoking with a caterpillar. You see kids that "wacky tobacy" really messes you up, so just stay away from it or you'll end up just like Becher. Yeah, you heard me, if you decide to "blaze up some cannabis" you'll turn into a fat, white kid, being lead by a giant, talking caterpillar through a dense forest, towards almost certain death. Don't argue, OK? It saves me time.

"I'm sick of walking, this sucks," Becher mumbled to him self.

You know when you go to a rock concert, and you're like 5 feet from a ten-foot amp, and then you leave the building, and all you hear is a constant ringing? That's what Becher heard except it wasn't really a ringing it was more like someone chewing glass that kept getting louder.

That's when the giant trout landed in front of him except it wasn't an ordinary trout. It had wheels, a steering wheel, CD player, air conditioning, a cigarette lighter, and a tennis racket, because you never know, Anna Kornikova, (AN: Yeah I butchered the spelling. So kill me) just may be walking by and be in need of a doubles partner. 

"Sweet," Becher said.

"Uh where'd that come from?" the caterpillar asked..

"I dunno. I commented on how I didn't feel like walking anymore and it fell from the sky. Go figure," Becher replied.

"You just conjured a car out of nowhere?" the Caterpillar asked.

"Well I was kind of picturing a Corvette, but this'll do. Now enough with the questions. Let's get going," said Becher.

Reluctantly, the caterpillar entered the trout. Becher stepped on the gas and they took off. Well not really took off. I mean they were riding in a giant trout through a dense forest, I mean that's not really easy driving. They probably could've managed it better by walking but hey, Becher was fat and fat people don't like to walk.


	7. Nick goes down on The Queen

Chapter 7 P.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } LI.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.MsoNormal { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } P.MsoTitle { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; pont-WEIGHT: bold; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } LI.MsoTitle { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; pont-WEIGHT: bold; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.MsoTitle { pont-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; pont-SIZE: 12pt; pont-WEIGHT: bold; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-pont-family: "Times New Roman" } DIV.Section1 { page: Section1 } 

Chapter 7

The time spent waiting for the Queen's feast was nothing short of torture for Nick. The Queen had generously provided them with a guest suite, which was larger than Nick's house. It had swimming pool, roller rink, Ferris wheel, a network with hundreds of computers set up to play Tribes 2, a tennis court, and the King's stash of porn. Playing cards that had naked ladies on them had once appealed to Nick but naked ladies that were playing card, well that was just sick.

Then there was Eric and Steve. They were racing around the roller rink on their new custom Razorä scooters. There was nothing Nick hated more then seeing people over the age of ten on those darn scooters. Eric had beat Steve in a race, and Steve had cried for five minutes straight until Eric let Steve beat him in. Normally Nick would have kicked the crap out of both of them, but Holly was here and he had to remain calm.

Earlier the Queen had offered to let them see a performance from a band of their choice. Nick, being a gentleman had let Holly pick. Of course she'd chosen Blink 182. Honestly it wouldn't have been that bad but the only things they played were songs from Enema of the State and Devo covers. Three and a half hours of nothing but "Adam's Song" and "Whip It" was enough to depress anyone. Oh, and seeing the group act out the "What's My Age Again" video for Holly had been quite disturbing as well. 

And to top it all of Anna Kornikova had come from the tennis court in need of a doubles partner. Wouldn't it figure that there wasn't an extra tennis racket in the entire suite? (Somewhere Becher smiled.)

Needless to say Nick wasn't having the greatest time and he was a little relieved when the Six of Hearts strolled up to him with a message.

"Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, requests your presence in her private chambers," he said while winking at Nick.

"Finally, my hard work has paid off," Nick thought. 

He knocked Steve off his scooter and hopped on.

"Which way to the Queen's quarters?" he asked. 

"Down the hall to the left," the card guard said. 

With that Nick speed furiously away. 

"He took my scooter," Steve said, a tear forming in his eye.

"Let it go Steve," Eric said, "Nick's gone to become a man."

Well that's what Nick hoped anyway. After leaving the room Nick became frustrated with Steve's scooter, which had been custom made to fit Steve's girlish feet. He quickly discarded it and began to run down the hall. He then realized that he looked eager and very desperate (which in fact he was but he didn't want anyone else to know that) so he slowed to a walk. Of course walking made him look like an average guy and indeed he was not that either. So Nick began to strut. Yeah, that was it. A real casual, laid back strut. 

Nick continued to strut down the hall until he reached a large door with a heart on it. He knocked.

A seductive voice replied, "Come in. I've been waiting."

Nick gulped and entered the room. 

It was large. Large and red. With lots and lots of hearts. In the center of the room was a bed and on that bed sat the Queen of Hearts. Now I'm sure I know what you're thinking. You've seen the movie, played the game, and read the book and the Queen of Hearts is not hot. Well you're wrong. You see good ol' Lewis Carroll never actually met her and if he had, he would've been amazed, just like Nick was. When he'd seen her earlier at the trial he'd been amazed she'd look so different but that was nothing compared to the shock he felt now. Her hair, which was usually kept up tight in a bun, was down and it reached her waist. Her red hair was long and naturally curly and absolutely stunning. In the light it was so red it actually appeared to be burning. Her eyes were the bluest blue and Nick swore she could see right into his soul. She wore a dress, which was like a cross between that thing Shania Twain wore to the Grammy's a few years back, and Shannon Elisabeth's MTV Movie awards get up. (For those of you that don't know what either look like short, low cut, and see through. 'Nuff said) It was the kind of thing that would make your grandmother blush and say, "In my day women had respect for their bodies." Nick of course loved it. 

Nick was usually never at a loss for words but right now words failed him. He felt like Becher the time they'd convinced Becher Victoria's Secret was a comic book shop.

"Come here Sweetie," the Queen said to him in an oh so seductive sort of way.

Nick came to her like an obedient dog. She put her hands on his face and pulled him so close, their noses touched.

"Ready to have some fun?" she whispered.

Nick just nodded. He was about to move in for the kill when a loud noise filled the room.

"Wh-What's that?!" Nick yelled. 

"Shhh. That's only _him_ snoring. Now be quiet or you'll wake him," she whispered rather fiercely.

Nick looked towards the noise. Sure enough the King of Hearts, the Queen's husband, was ten feet away, slumped over in a chair, sound asleep. 

"I can't do this with you! Not with your husband right there!" Nick said in a rather sharp whisper.

"Relax I've done this thousands of times and he's never woken up," she said.

"Th-thousands?" Nick gulped.

Nick tried to protest but it was to late. The Queen was on top of him and planting kisses on his lips. 

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" the king bellowed.

"Hmm. Well I guess there's a first time for everything," the Queen whispered to Nick.

Nick just gulped.

"Darling I'm so glad you're awake. This, this ape burst into my room and began smothering me with affection. If you hadn't woke up who knows what he would have happened!" the Queen screamed, trying to sound innocent and panic-stricken.

Nick was scared to death.

"Honey. Please leave. I don't want you to see what I do to him," said the King.

The Queen whispered, "I'm sorry. Nothing will happen. I promise," as she left the room.

It did little to reassure Nick.

"You are a monster. And to think I trusted you after you helped me get rid of that filthy rabbit. Well, this was going to happen at the banquet tonight but because of your actions I can wait no longer!" the King was yelling rather loudly. His face had turned beat red.

He pulled out a remote control from the pocket of his robe, and pressed a button. The floor began to shake and open up. From it came a large metal contraption.

"Do you like it?" the King asked, "It is my new device of torture. I call it The Queen. You will be one of the first to feel its wrath!" the King yelled. It was obvious he was enraged.

Of course as mad as the King was it was kind of hard for Nick to be frightened of "The Queen." It was shaped like an enormous rubber duck and had racing stripes all over it. 

"Uh, your highness if you don't mind me asking, what does it do?" Nick asked.

"Well um, it carries passengers down to the dark underworld of Wonderland of course," the King replied with a proud tone. 

Nick had worked up some courage by now.

"That's it? That's not a torture device! It's transportation! It would've been cheaper to install a ladder, or fire poles, or something!" Nick yelled.

"Shut up! I'm the King and you're not! Now get on it!" the King yelled.

Not wanting to cause trouble, Nick got on top of "The Queen" and sat down. The White Rabbit was sitting in a steel cage next to him sobbing lightly.

"Err, hi," Nick said.

The rabbit flicked him off. 

"Good bye!" the King yelled.

They slowly began to descend into Wonderland's shadowy underbelly. And that is how Nick, along with the White Rabbit, went down on The Queen. 


End file.
